I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or she did that was remotely funny than I am to be mused by somebody declaring this isn't funny, that isn't funny, this sucks. If you want to write humor, you're going to have to get used to that.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet

Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.