Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.

I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

I'm a humorist. A guy like Paul Simon just makes my life so much simpler. When I was there, he had a hearing against hate. Steven Spielberg came and testified against hate. Paul Simon said hate was bad. Orrin Hatch was there, and he was against hate too. Everyone was opposed to hate. Is this really a wonderful way to spend our tax dollars, to have these men drone away about how against hate they are?

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.