Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

I don't even care what Bill Bryson writes about because he will make it interesting. I love "A Walk in the Woods," about the Appalachian Trail, but his most amazing book is "A Short History of Nearly Everything."

Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.

On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve you better,'' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.