In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards.

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.