The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.

Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US tax code, you'd find at least one sex scene. ("Yes, yes, YES!" moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture...)

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.