Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

We should call editorials what they are: columns written by committees.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.

There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.

Seriously? You won’t help me?” “Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.