Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case.

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.