Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.

I've been to Washington many times over the years for stories, and it always seems remarkably the same. More the same than the rest of the country. It's almost like they dress the same as they did 20 years ago. The same old guys are sitting outside the same dirty, dingy secret offices in the Capitol that you're not allowed to go in.

It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.