Most of the people around me have a vested interest in how much money I make. You know, so a celebrity could find themselves in a position where people could have meetings about their life without them involved. And when I say "their life" I mean not their professional life either. They could talk about their personal life.

I love the fact that I have a show where you can run over a kid and everyone busts out laughing.

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

I got married recently. So far, so good. Less sex than I expected, but other than that, it's a pretty good lifestyle.

If someone sits and stares at you while you eat, you won't even eat the way you normally do, because it'll make you so uncomfortable. If I look at my dog when he's eating, he will look at me like, "Dave, I will bite you. What are you looking at? I'm trying to eat." It's something that dehumanizes a person, being on display like that.

Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.