We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

I've gotten "condescending" a million times, and that's not good.

I've never thought of myself as a hoity-toity cultural critic.

Hopefully people will be reinventing comedy forever and ever. This is just what I do, and it's a type of comedy.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"