I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective.

I'm finally going to be able to finally criticize [Hillary Clinton] without being accused of being a sexist - that idea. I'm not a fan, I don't like her, but you can't say anything without being accused of being a sexist pig, which is unfair.

I did one of the worst shows for that kind of thing in Northampton, Massachusetts, which is one of the most liberal spots on the planet. There were numerous people who walked out, somebody had thrown a beer, I had people yelling and screaming.

What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.'

I'd say 95 percent of my audience was white. They were mostly kind of older hipster folks like myself.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.