What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.'

I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

I was born Jewish, but I am an atheist. I dont believe in God.

I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.