I'm not a centrist, and there's nothing about me that's centrist. I never have been.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.