When you can spell subpoena without thinking about it, that's when you know you've made it.

The Breakfast of Champions isn't cereal, it's the competition!

The problem with self-improvement is knowing when to quit.

Of course building a kitchen makes all the symmetric sense in the world because everybody's burning calories at 120 beats a minute. You could even register it on a graph at the DJ booth. "How fast are they burning calories, sir?" "126 a minute." "Are you sure?" "Oh, I'm very sure." You can meter that out.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I used to have a drug problem, but now I have enough money.

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance