Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.