Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.

This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.