Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'

One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.