It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.

It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape.

In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, "Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl."

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.

But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.