Famous people like to choose friends who won't go around repeating their conversations and details about them.

The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

Up close the city constitutes an oppressive series of staircases, but from a distance it inspires fantasies of wealth and power so profound that even our communists are temporarily rendered speechless.

When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening.

But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

I've often lost faith in myself, I've never lost it in my family.