I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like.

People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?'

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.

Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.

I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.

They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy.