I am a person who feels guilty for crimes I have not committed, or have not committed in years. The police search the train station for a serial rapist and I cover my face with a newspaper, wondering if maybe I did it in my sleep. The last thing I stole was an eight-track tape, but to this day I'm unable to enter a store without feeling like a shoplifter. It's all the anxiety with none of the free stuff.
David SedarisThere seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
David SedarisThereโs a lot I donโt tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldnโt understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to break up with her live-in boyfriend, whom she replaced with an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. The last time she was asked out by a successful bachelor, Amy hesitated before saying, โThanks for asking, but Iโm really not into white guys right now.
David SedarisThe difference between the first time I read something and the tenth time I read something is generally pretty profound. Even if the script is the same, just the way that I read it is different.
David SedarisMost people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.
David Sedaris