A nation that spends billions to fix international problems will not have much left over for the victims of tornadoes in Oklahoma.

I reserve the right to change my mind. But once I decide on something, I'm going to need a good reason to switch.

I developed a term that is used in the game right now called sacking a quarterback. Sacking a quarterback is just like you devastate a city or you cream a multitude of people. I mean it’s just like you put all the offensive players in one bag and I just take a baseball bat and beat on the bag.

How can you possibly be sympathetic to every fool on the planet? Just the other day, I heard a man whining about his hopeless love of cross-dressing. Call me unenlightened, but I started to laugh.

All men are created equal. After that, it's up to you.

When I see guys huddling up after the game, to pray, that’s what scares me about the game. I’m a Baptist, but I’m also a quarterback killer, and I ain’t praying with you. But I will give you 30 seconds to ask your Lord and master to keep me from killing you.

If you feel like you want to die, it's time to sit down and make a list of all the things you haven't done yet.