When I was a teenager, I was so dumb my mamma knocked me off the porch with a broom. You wish you had so good a mamma.

I reserve the right to change my mind. But once I decide on something, I'm going to need a good reason to switch.

There are all kinds of smiles. On the football field I mostly used the one where the hawk spots the dove.

When it comes to your life's work, you can't take yourself too seriously. Even Jesus had an occasional joke with the boys, take walking on water, for instance - but there's a time and place for fun. Jesus never faltered when it came time to tip over the money stalls or to take his hard walk up the mountain.

I was the originator of smack. Some guys rattle with smack; with other guys it rolls right off their shoulders like nothing.

How can you possibly be sympathetic to every fool on the planet? Just the other day, I heard a man whining about his hopeless love of cross-dressing. Call me unenlightened, but I started to laugh.

You are one of a kind, one in a billion, an incredible unique individual. The problem is, so is everybody else.