Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."

No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.

I've only done two other TV shows [instead of Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll], one was Rescue Me and the other was a show called The Job, which was at ABC and only on for two seasons.

You try to - you want to fly on both sides of the political fence because that's where the - where the comedy is.

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.

I'm a pretty boring guy. Compared to Ashton Kutcher, I live a really boring existence.

Firefighters don't go on strike.