I believe in prescription drugs. I believe in feeling better.

I'm no prophet and I'm no genius, but I can only tell you what I seem to know. As a fan of television and the movies, I think it's all for the better.

It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.'

The first movie I saw where it convinced me I could be an actor was 'Mean Streets,' so whenever I see Robert De Niro and he says, 'Hi, Denis,' it's still a really big deal.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

How many whales do we really need? I figure five. One for each ocean.

The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't.