Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.