Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.

Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.