Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.