A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?