If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.