Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do.

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.