The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff.

I would have painted the White House black. I would have!

So why would I want to call myself a conservative after the way them white racist thugs have used that word to hide behind? They call themselves new Republicans.

I won't say I'm out of condition now - but I even puff going downstairs.

I chose to be an agitator. And there's one interesting thing about being an agitator - and I tell people - the next time you put your underwear in the washing machine, take the agitator out, and all you're going to end up with is some dirty, wet drawers.

Black folks tell their kids they have to be twice as good as a white person? Well, if I tell a child of mine that, or that they have to be careful - that this is what a cop would do if you do this - they think something is wrong with them. I tell them death is better.

White folks are the luckiest people: Finally a black president and he's a behaved one. Went to the best schools, best colleges, never raises his voice. I ran for president in 1968. I tell (audiences) if I won, I would have dug up the Rose Garden and planted watermelon!