White folks are the luckiest people: Finally a black president and he's a behaved one. Went to the best schools, best colleges, never raises his voice. I ran for president in 1968. I tell (audiences) if I won, I would have dug up the Rose Garden and planted watermelon!

I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

Audiences feel no hatred from me. Because I'm not bitter.

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

Race baiters and discriminators may go underground, but they never move out of town.