Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.

I feel that the same God-force that is the mother and father of the Pope is also the mother and father of the loneliest wino on the planet.

Because you make me laugh don't make you a comic. A comedian is a person who, that's how they make their living.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

Education means to bring out wisdom. Indoctrination means to push in knowledge.

Don't have a high school diploma? You're in my Cabinet. Why? For 200 years, a lot of Cabinets have existed in our government. Powerful men. Well-educated. So let's try something totally new.