America is 5 percent of the world's population and consumes 96 percent of the world's hard drugs.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.

Once I realised the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.