I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.

When you're 18, you're just so busy being scared and having fun - a crazy mixture - that you never thought of dying.

The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.

Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.