[Suggesting an epitaph for herself:] This is on me.

If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me.

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

[Epitaph:] Involved in a plot.

You do what you can, and you do it because you should. But all you can do is all you can do.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

I don't want to be classed as a humorist. It makes me feel guilty. I've never read a good tough quotable female humorist, and I never was one myself. I couldn't do it. A "smartcracker" they called me, and that makes me sick and unhappy. There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.