[On being told party guests were ducking for apples:] There, but for a typographical error, is the story of my life.

The only useful thing I ever learned in school was that if you spit on your eraser it erased ink.

Be you wise and never sad, You will get your lovely lad. Never serious be, nor true, And your wish will come to you-- And if that makes you happy, kid, You'll be the first it ever did.

Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion.

Excuse me, everybody, I have to go to the bathroom. I really have to telephone, but I'm too embarrassed to say so.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.