On being told of the death of former President Calvin Coolidge: How could they tell?

[From a window in the Writer's Building at MGM, which overlooked a cemetery:] Hello down there. It might interest you to know that up here we are just as dead as you are.

Why, after all, should readers never be harrowed? Surely there is enough happiness in life without having to go to books for it.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

[On Kay Strozzi in The Silent Witness:] Miss Strozzi ... had the temerity to wear as truly horrible a gown as ever I have seen on the American stage. ... Had she not luckily been strangled by a member of the cast while disporting this garment, I should have fought my way to the stage and done her in, myself.

People are more than fun than anybody.

It turns out that, at social gatherings, as a source of entertainment, conviviality, and good fun, I rank somewhere between a sprig of parsley and a single ice-skate.