Just begin a story with such a phrase as 'I remember Disraeli - poor old Dizz! - once saying to me, in answer to my poke in the eye,' and you will find me and Morpheus off in a corner, necking.

I'm not a writer with a drinking problem, I'm a drinker with a writing problem.

[At the reception following her remarriage to Alan Campbell:] People who haven't talked to each other in years are on speaking terms again today - including the bride and groom.

Summer makes me drowsy. Autumn makes me sing. Winter's pretty lousy, but I hate Spring.

I've finally gotten to the bottom of things.

The nowadays ruling that no word is unprintable has, I think, done nothing whatever for beautiful letters. ... Obscenity is too valuable a commodity to chuck around all over the place; it should be taken out of the safe on special occasions only.

I wouldn't touch a superlative again with an umbrella.