I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Any comedic entertainment is better when you get high.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

There was always, along the way in my career, as more and more I made marijuana a part of my act and my life, the more I'd hear from people saying, like, well, part of the reason that everybody likes it so much is because of the excitement of it not being legal. I always thought that was silly. Especially when it comes to smoking marijuana. People are certainly not less interested in it now that it's legal. In terms of comedy, it has kind of shifted a little bit in that it seems like the novelty has sort of worn off a little bit.