Do you get a nice monthly check from the government for dwelling on things?

Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you're better off not reading that stuff.

Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?

I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I've only had sex in months that end in arch... in years that have an Olympics.

[Ryan Reynolds] has had stabs at it like Just Friends. He's really fun in that.

It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.

Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.