Do you get a nice monthly check from the government for dwelling on things?

Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy.

Being on TV and getting everything paid for are the two reasons to do it with us instead of the court of law.

Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?

Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it. On the other hand, no one really needs to defend drinking. That's something that frustrates me as a comic: I have to play clubs where selling booze runs the business, so crowds get drunk and yell out a bunch of stupid stuff at me. Pot doesn't cause people to do that. I did a show in Amsterdam a few months ago, and people weren't yelling stuff out at all. They also weren't laughing very much, but I think they were still having a good time.

I like Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like Dawn of the dead because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.