Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.

It seems that a lot of people, who haven't known of me as a pianist, think I've just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what's happened now.

Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you're with, but you can leave when you want to.

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

In the course of an average lifetime anyone growing up in a house with such a clock will hear the tune over a million times.

I certainly did feel inferior. Because of class. Because of strength. Because of height. I guess if I'd been able to hit somebody in the nose, I wouldn't have been a comic.

I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.