I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one.

I'm just trying to understand what's around me as much as anyone else is, really. To draw a bead on a moving target.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.