If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room; you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything. I've written lots of material, but how do you memorise 90 minutes? That's one hell of a long speech. I've always had problems with that.

Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one.

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.

I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like that for everybody. I've heard Newt Gingrich has his own as well.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty.