I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now.

Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world.

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room; you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything. I've written lots of material, but how do you memorise 90 minutes? That's one hell of a long speech. I've always had problems with that.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

I enjoy performing, always, but when you're taping a gig, you've got to blank out this mass apparatus of self-consciousness that's surrounding you, this invitation to drown in self-consciousness. Otherwise you just won't be able to do anything.