Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.

I enjoy performing, always, but when you're taping a gig, you've got to blank out this mass apparatus of self-consciousness that's surrounding you, this invitation to drown in self-consciousness. Otherwise you just won't be able to do anything.

Lots of comics try stuff out all year round, which is very sensible - I don't.

I'm very drawn to Eastern Europe, so I like a Hungarian writer who wrote in French called Emil Cioran; he was always good for giving me such a stir.

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.