I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's also relentlessly positive.

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.

Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.