I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now.

America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.

You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...This is fantastic. I'm in heaven.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

When I was a child, I wanted to watch things that made me laugh. It's attacking boredom, as simple as that. I was 19 when I first went to a comedy club - I wanted to do it, so I gave it a try and that was it. I found my office.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...