Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

I dont watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when youre alone and someones voice is coming through their work. Theres a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...This is fantastic. I'm in heaven.

Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house.

I do not walk around imaging myself to be intimidating or smart.