I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."

I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything.

Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.

I don't go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they should be doing - what do I know?

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.