Let us praise the noble turkey vulture: No one envies him; he harms nobody; and he contemplates our little world from a most serene and noble height.

Football is a game for trained apes. That, in fact, is what most of the players are -- retarded gorillas wearing helmets and uniforms. The only thing more debased is the surrounding mob of drunken monkeys howling the gorillas on.

The best American writers have come from the hinterlands -- Mark Twain, Theodore Dreiser, Jack London, Hemingway, Faulkner, Wolfe, Steinbeck. Most of them never even went to college.

It's a fool's life, a rogue's life, and a good life if you keep laughing all the way to the grave.

The distrust of wit is the beginning of tyranny.

Every moment is precious. And precarious.

If there's anyone still present whom I've failed to insult . . . I apologize.