You cannot tell an audience a lie. They know it before you do; before it's out of your mouth, they know it's a lie.

There will always be ladies who lunch. Always. And apparently they live a long time.

I'm going to do less performing because I'm tired. It's hard to convince anybody that you're just going to take it easy.

Betty White is probably a very nice woman.

You can't be funny unless you're tragic, and you can't be tragic unless you're funny.

I don't want to see a movie twice. I don't want to do anything twice.

If somebody doesn't have any talent, get off the stage! You're wasting my time.