My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

My life is perfect even when it's not.

For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13.

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

If we don’t want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we’re stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions.

No, we can't be friends. You're my mom. You're what i talk to my friends about.